Running on Empty

I've been discussing faith with people a lot lately. Facebook, mainly, but I also am conversing with the young woman who is soliciting my house on behalf of the Jehovah's Witnesses. As long as they are kind and respectful, I'm happy to talk to them. I'm pretty ignorant of their sect of Christianity, but I definitely know enough that I would never join them. They are very outspoken against homosexuality, and I cannot be a part of that in any way. I support the rights of all people, regardless of their sexual preferences. But, I don't see any harm in being more informed, so I talk to them. Maybe they will learn something from me, too. The Jehovah's Witnesses have always impressed me as the sort to seclude themselves from society, so I want to represent the "godless" well.

I envy people with faith. I've lived my whole life without it, and have seen many people's lives enriched by it. What can I say, though, I just don't have it. I am fascinated with spirituality, and I'm pretty certain that there is a higher power in this universe, I'm just not able to reconcile myself to the idea that that power has been manifest here on earth in one true form, be it Jesus Christ or any other God. The nearest I can come is that Christ was a divinely inspired person. His teachings, HIS teachings, not those of the churches and religions developed to propagate them, are beautiful and in my soul I feel they are the way to goodness and peace. But there is this enormous hurdle that holds me back from being a Christian, and that is the acceptance of Christ as my "lord and savior." I believe in his way, his meaning, his spirit, but I just can't get myself to truly believe that he is the literal son of God. I don't even see "God" as God. I mean, in terms of God in the form of a father, an actual being. Now I am completely comfortable accepting that there are millions of things about the universe that I will never understand, and the higher power is one of them. And maybe that's why believing in Christ as the incarnate form of the higher power is difficult for me. It seems too understandable. If there is a divine power governing the universe, it's got to be way beyond my comprehension, because the universe itself is way beyond my comprehension.

I guess the question is, do we matter enough as human beings here on one tiny planet in one tiny, minute part of the universe to draw the attention of the higher power? And if so, why did it choose to send one man, to proclaim that there is only one way to connect to that power. And why did that man get sent to that specific part of the world? Why not China or North America or Europe? What about all those people who didn't get the word that there is only ONE way to peace for ever after? If you held infinite universal power, wouldn't you spread the word everywhere?

And really, why, why does it matter so much to believe? Is the creator and master of the whole entire universe so concerned with ego that he/she/it needs the worship and recognition of one small tiny drop of life in the whole ocean of the universe? If his forgiveness is so absolute why can't he accept that it's hard for some people to grasp these ideas. Why is it so important to have faith? Especially when having faith has led some to do such horrible things? Would the highest power in the universe really want to create pain and suffering over his glorification??

I am not saying it isn't possible. I'm not telling anyone that what they believe isn't true. I absolutely do not know what is true. But I don't think it's wrong to admit you don't know, and to question what is out there. So I go on, without faith, still not able to accept as true what cannot be known.

Back in Black

I'm considering a song title theme for this month. I've always liked how episode titles of "Grey's Anatomy" are song titles, and since I need a little shove in the creativity department, hey what the heck?

So it's been a few weeks. Christmas happened and all the craziness that accompanies it. But now kids are back in school, hubby's back at work, my enormous pile of laundry has been washed and folded, and I'm all ready to start writing again. So there's the "back part." How about the black? I'm wearing my black boots, but not sure if that is really significant to write about. I'm sure not depressed, I've got a new daily regimen of exercise, medication and yoga/meditation that's been great at keeping my moods up. So how is my life black right now? What stands out most clearly is Berry, my lab-pit mutt. He's black, except for a flash of white on his chest. And now that kids are in school and Jon is at work, he's my number one distraction at home. And with Berry, there's always some bad with all his good. He's been happy as a lark that we have been going on off-leash walks at the dog park, but when we are at home, I can't get him to go outside and pee. He is the most stubborn dog I have ever known. He simply stands at the door, or walks out onto the front walk and stands, sniffing the air. I'm practically yelling "go potty!" a thousand times, and he just rambles around.

Perhaps that may lead one to assume that he doesn't have to go. Let me assure you that this is not the case. My lovely little pooch is incontinent. If he has a full bladder, it drips out. And even when he doesn't have a full bladder, he will pee when he is relaxed (mostly sleeping). Thus, his kennel always stinks and I'm constantly washing his beds and blankets. So I try to make him go every few hours. But as I said, he refuses. I'm pretty sure he is refusing to waste his precious marking material on his own yard where no other dogs come to smell it. Because he LOVES to mark. Leash walks can be maddening as he tries to stop and squirt on every third mailbox. I tried to discourage his marking by not letting him stop, but then he just keeps hoarding his pee, only to let it slip away in his sleep.

Going to the dog park in the morning is wonderful for both of us. I get my exercise without constant stopping by marksy-dog, and he gets to run as much as he wants, play with other dogs, and mark as many trees, rocks and clumps of grass as he pleases. This will be a win-win situation until it's 20 below weather. Then I think I'm just going to release him in the wild, load up "Gossip Girls" on Netflix, and take my walk on the treadmill.

Teach Our Children Well

Day 14's prompt from Kassie at http://bravelyobey.blogspot.com/ :
Is volunteering something you do regularly? If yes where do you volunteer? If not, why not?

I volunteer twice a week at my son's elementary school.  I've been volunteering at this school since my daughter was in kindergarten five years ago.  On Monday mornings I help the first graders with their language arts activities - reading out loud and writing.  Teachers now have about 25 kids in their class, which is a lot to keep a handle on, even when you aren't trying to get them to do schoolwork.  They do a fabulous job, but parent volunteers help them give a little extra attention to the students.   On Wednesday afternoons, I work with selected fourth graders who need extra help improving their reading fluency.  Our school district has a great program for supplementing the curriculum for kids who need extra help with math and reading, and I'm proud to be a part of that.  I also volunteer from time to time at my daughter's intermediate school, PTO events and choir or band activities.

I volunteer for a few reasons, I guess.  One is that it's a good way to get this introvert out of the house.  Two is that I like getting to know the teachers and children that my kids spend their days with.  Three is that I want to be helpful.  I don't have a job outside of the home, and while I know that taking care of my kids and the house is important, it just isn't enough for me.  I'm trying to get involved with more things, but it's hard putting myself out there.  I don't volunteer elsewhere because it's hard for me to get to know new people and find my place within an existing group.  I suppose it is for everyone, but it's pretty bad for me.  I'm working on it, and my next step will be to add an hour per week at the public library.  I'm already familiar with most of the librarians from being a frequent user, so it shouldn't be too hard, right?  I think I've got my New Year's resolution figured out.

Is That Lady Meditating in the Check-out Aisle?

Reverb Broads prompt for 12/13: What are three things you are better at than most people?

 
Well it sure isn't talking about myself.  But thanks for making this easy.  Yeesh.  It's hard enough to find one thing you do better than most people, but three?  I've been thinking about this all day, while walking my dog, doing a little cross-stitch, and it's not getting easier.  Best I can come up with is something very situation-specific.  Like I am more patient than other shoppers when I'm waiting in line at the grocery store.  There's an ego-builder for you.   Or, I am the best mother for Lauren and Alex.  While very important, it's not like there's a lot of competition in the field either.  And I really loathe comparing parenting styles and/or techniques.  Every child is different, and no one gets his/her child better than the parent.  And when you see that frustrated mom in the department store, just ask yourself, "have I ever had a moment like that?"  If you can answer no, go ahead and judge her, but most of us mortals have done things we aren't proud of.

It's not that I'm unhappy with myself.  Most days, I'm very satisfied with who I am and what I can do.  I have very personal goals, and being better at them than another person isn't really relevant.  I want to improve my meditation, but there's not exactly a meditation Olympic team to try out for.  I'm a very competitive person in some ways, but the thing is I don't enjoy competing.  My husband, who is very competitive and naturally athletic, will tease me and say that I don't enjoy it because I don't win.  And I'm not saying he's wrong, but I don't think that's the whole story.  I'm pretty good at tennis, but I really enjoy hitting the groundstrokes.  That's what is fun for me.  When you play a match, you need to serve and it helps if you can to volley too.  Those aren't my strong skills in tennis, because I don't enjoy practicing them as much.  So if I'm going to play for recreation, I like to just hit balls back and forth and not even bother with scoring (unless I am playing with Jon, who would probably invent a scoring system for just hitting groundstrokes).

Other things I really enjoy?  Reading, but once you are above a 10th grade reading level, what's the point in keeping track?  I used to be pretty good at trivia games, but my memory is going to shit.  I'll know I know the answer, but I also know that the neuron pathway to retrieving that specific information is about a day's journey, so might as well take a guess.  Besides, if I tell you I'm smarter than you, you'll just think I'm an asshole.

So maybe what I'm really good at is just accepting myself.  Or I'm just lazy.  That's pretty likely, too.

Tone-Deaf Birds of a Feather

Today's Reverb Broads prompt: How are you like your mother? And if you're a mother, how is/are your kid(s) like you?

I have had the good fortune to have been raised by an incredible woman.  Pretty much everything I like about myself are things that resemble her.  Some of the ways I'm not like my mom: I'm not short, I'm can't tan, I procrastinate terribly, I don't like to clean, and I'm socially introverted.  But here are the fabulous traits I've been blessed to inherit: intelligence, kindness, sensitivity, feisty attitude, Irish temper, crooked mouth, and the tendency to talk too much.  But you'll get no blarney from us, we tell it like it is.

Our childhoods could not have been more different.  She had 11 siblings, I had one.  She went to catholic school, I didn't even go to Sunday School.   She was overweight, I was rail thin.  She has overcome so much more in her life than I have had to.  After high school, I knew I was going to college, and my parents were giving me the money to do so.  She had pretty much two options.  Become a nun or get married.  It probably says a lot about the eligible young men in her small Iowa town that she chose the former.  Thankfully, after a couple of years in the convent, she decided that wasn't her path.  I have enormous respect for the strength it took for her to leave the convent, move to Milwaukee and get a job as a secretary.  Eventually, she went to college.  Then she got married.  Both of my parents were still in college when my brother was born.  My mom had to wake up at four in the morning to find time to study.  Pretty impressive for an Iowa farm girl in the early sixties.

It is as I grow older that I notice more and more how similar we are.  It's in those moments when I suddenly burst out loud singing the song that was inside my head.  When I do a silly dance, and my kids yell "Mahh-Ahhm!"  Falling asleep on the couch.

Maybe it's too soon then to see how my children are like me.  When I was a kid, I loved school and had an unhealthy disrespect for authority.  My kids are well-behaved, but dislike school in a way that just baffles me.  Lauren shares my love of reading, Alex my fear that something bad might happen at any time.  But I'm pretty sure they get their silliness from their dad, and if one thing defines my kids, it's their silliness.  It doesn't bother me though.  I feel as though I was fated or destined to become like my mom.  And my kids have as close and loving a relationship with me as I did with my mom, so I'm sure to get my footprint on them in one way or other.

Time keeps on tickin', tickin', tickin'...

Reverb Broads Prompt of the Day via Dana at http://simply-walking.com/: What is the best and/or worst thing about your life right now?

The best thing about my life, without question, is my family.  These cuties.  They are so awesome, that it's unfair to everything else in my life.  So, for this once, I'll exempt them from the competition.

The best and the worst thing about my life right now is being unemployed.  I love having time to give to myself (now that Alex is in school).  I can do yoga, take walks in the forest with my dog, have coffee with my friend Lisa, volunteer at the schools, and spend time writing.  Obviously that is the best part.  The worst part isn't the lack of income, although I'd prefer to have more savings for college and retirement.  The worst part is the time to myself.  Huh?  Did I say that right?  Well, yes, I did.  You see, when I have a lot of time I don't tend to use it well.  I keep thinking there is time to do things later, time for one more cup of coffee, and everything gets procrastinated. Then I end up not doing what I wanted to get done, and I get upset with myself.  What am I doing with my life?  Did I really spend the whole day watching Law & Order SVU?  Plus, if I skip my walks or my yoga, my depression starts to creep back.  The combination of self-doubt, low self-esteem, AND depression is not a good one.  Depression keeps me from seeing what is good in my life, the good things I do, and what positive impact I am making.  Not every day is spent watching TV.   And I did manage to get all that laundry folded and put away while watching it.

But I can't keep procrastinating those activities that keep me sane.  Yes, it's butt-cold outside, but the fresh air will do me good, and no one wants dog poop on the carpet anyway, so bundle up.  I'm really not looking forward to doing camel pose, but remember how awesome it feels when I finally get to do savasana.  And afterward I can treat myself to a cup of tea and a few minutes in my rocking chair watching the birds outside the window.

As long as I can justify my time spent not working, and as long as Jon keeps rolling in the clients, I will get to live the good life.  I'm sure in a couple years, when the kids are capable of being on their own after school, I'll go back to work.  By then, maybe the economy will have rebounded and there will actually be a job out there.  But whether it's working in a research lab at UW or working for Kwik Trip down the street, I hope to have developed some strong healthy habits that stick with me even when I don't have a lot of free time.

My Other Car is a Pencil

Reverb Broad's 12/09/11 prompt: What was your favorite children's book?



My mother will NEVER be on the television show, Hoarders.   Bless her, she truly knows that things are just things, and it's our relationships that matter and are what we need to hold on to.  If you ever met my parents, you would be shocked that their house is not stuffed with books.  They are prolific readers.  My mom was even a reading specialist in one of the area high schools.  But they were always very frugal with money, and we spent a lot of time at our public library.  We even checked out artwork, something apparently not all public libraries let you do according to my friends who grew up in other towns.  When I was a kid, Whitewater's Public Library felt like this huge, imposing building with big steps and tall ceilings.  I suppose the actual shelving area was quite small, which is why they built a new library, with all the modern touches a "library of today" needs.  But I was sad to say goodbye to that big old building where I spent much of my childhood.

So I'm not sure if we didn't own a copy of my favorite book, or if it was donated or given away.  I knew for sure, though, when I was Christmas shopping at a Waldenbooks one winter break from college, that we no longer had Richard Scarry's "Best Storybook Ever."  So I bought it for myself (likely with my parents' money they had so frugally saved so they could send me to college).  Ironically, it's still at my parents' house.  I guess my mom either figured out that it was very special, or she just thought it would be something the grandchildren could enjoy.

I still love going through those stories:  Chipmunk getting ready for his birthday party, Daddy Bear pretending he doesn't see Little Bear on top of his shoulders, Nicholas the bunny curling up in his hollow tree to dream about the spring.  And I love all the cars made out of weird objects: pencils, pickles, ketchup bottles.  It was such a joy to finally get to share them with my own children.

Now, I did not inherit my mother's ability to let go of clutter.  I'm hardly a hoarder, but we do have a house stuffed with books, toys, and (too often) baskets of unfolded laundry.  My children don't go to the library as frequently as we did, but we also have fun trips to Barnes and Noble and Westfield Comics.  I will eventually donate most of the books they have outgrown, but my sentimentality will force me to hold onto a few (let's face it, dozens) of our favorites:  Goodnight Moon, The Runaway Bunny, all Dr. Suess, all Eric Carle, Leo Lionni, Curious George, Mo Willems, Winnie-the-Pooh, Harold and the Purple Crayon....  Hmmm, maybe Hoarders will be paying me a visit someday after all.