Running on Empty

I've been discussing faith with people a lot lately. Facebook, mainly, but I also am conversing with the young woman who is soliciting my house on behalf of the Jehovah's Witnesses. As long as they are kind and respectful, I'm happy to talk to them. I'm pretty ignorant of their sect of Christianity, but I definitely know enough that I would never join them. They are very outspoken against homosexuality, and I cannot be a part of that in any way. I support the rights of all people, regardless of their sexual preferences. But, I don't see any harm in being more informed, so I talk to them. Maybe they will learn something from me, too. The Jehovah's Witnesses have always impressed me as the sort to seclude themselves from society, so I want to represent the "godless" well.

I envy people with faith. I've lived my whole life without it, and have seen many people's lives enriched by it. What can I say, though, I just don't have it. I am fascinated with spirituality, and I'm pretty certain that there is a higher power in this universe, I'm just not able to reconcile myself to the idea that that power has been manifest here on earth in one true form, be it Jesus Christ or any other God. The nearest I can come is that Christ was a divinely inspired person. His teachings, HIS teachings, not those of the churches and religions developed to propagate them, are beautiful and in my soul I feel they are the way to goodness and peace. But there is this enormous hurdle that holds me back from being a Christian, and that is the acceptance of Christ as my "lord and savior." I believe in his way, his meaning, his spirit, but I just can't get myself to truly believe that he is the literal son of God. I don't even see "God" as God. I mean, in terms of God in the form of a father, an actual being. Now I am completely comfortable accepting that there are millions of things about the universe that I will never understand, and the higher power is one of them. And maybe that's why believing in Christ as the incarnate form of the higher power is difficult for me. It seems too understandable. If there is a divine power governing the universe, it's got to be way beyond my comprehension, because the universe itself is way beyond my comprehension.

I guess the question is, do we matter enough as human beings here on one tiny planet in one tiny, minute part of the universe to draw the attention of the higher power? And if so, why did it choose to send one man, to proclaim that there is only one way to connect to that power. And why did that man get sent to that specific part of the world? Why not China or North America or Europe? What about all those people who didn't get the word that there is only ONE way to peace for ever after? If you held infinite universal power, wouldn't you spread the word everywhere?

And really, why, why does it matter so much to believe? Is the creator and master of the whole entire universe so concerned with ego that he/she/it needs the worship and recognition of one small tiny drop of life in the whole ocean of the universe? If his forgiveness is so absolute why can't he accept that it's hard for some people to grasp these ideas. Why is it so important to have faith? Especially when having faith has led some to do such horrible things? Would the highest power in the universe really want to create pain and suffering over his glorification??

I am not saying it isn't possible. I'm not telling anyone that what they believe isn't true. I absolutely do not know what is true. But I don't think it's wrong to admit you don't know, and to question what is out there. So I go on, without faith, still not able to accept as true what cannot be known.