The Square Peg Turns 40

I'm now 40, yeehaw for milestone birthdays.  But I still feel like the class clown whenever I'm in a group of school parents or at one of those home parties that the neighbors host.  I feel both cursed and blessed to be a chronic square peg.  I'm happy with who I am, but it does get lonely.  Especially living in small town/suburbia.  You just don't see a lot of moms having tricycle races down the driveway with their kids.  Their loss, trust me. 

It doesn't help that there are a couple of golf course neighborhoods in my town.  Those moms wear high wedge heels and makeup, and their hair is always styled.  They always look good.  Maybe it's just me, and they aren't judging me by my too-short jeans and stained t-shirt or my bathroom haircut.  But they aren't exactly rushing over to talk to me either. 

I honestly don't know what the hell my "style" is.  My biggest criteria for clothes are comfort and cotton.  I really like cotton.  Lately I've been into leggings, because I like to be able to do yoga whenever I'm in the mood, and I don't want to have to change clothes, so now I have a new criteria - long shirts.  Tunics I guess they are called.  I do NOT have the body to wear leggings without proper butt coverage.  So I guess my style is "practical."  I really wish I could wear the nice fashionable clothes and shoes, but I always feel like a walking Christmas tree when I do.  I feel so obvious. 

As my daughter gets older, and shows more and more of her mother's lack of conformity, I think about the example I set.  To be true to who we are is very important, but too often we end up in a competition with other personalities.  Are we friends with kindred spirits because of common interests, or is it some weird social sorting system?  Why aren't more jocks friends with band geeks?  They both might listen to the same music, read the same books, laugh at the same jokes.  Maybe they don't.  I sure don't have the answers, and even if I did, no one's asking me the question.

So to jump back to the question: "how have I grown or remained childlike?" I guess I would have to say that I've grown because I keep trying to improve life for myself, my kids, my community.  But you could also say that I've remained childlike because I'm still asking questions, still looking for answers, and I still haven't figured out who I am and where I fit in.